Please just let me go.
I started a new job which I thought was good. It’s a training program so I learn and earn. It’s at a pub. I liked the first day or two. The location itself is now tainted . I can’t go there without hyperventilating. I think I am genuinely insane. My OH and his cousin had an evening there a few weeks ago and drunk is not the word. I got told to leave. That I wasn’t loved. That I had ruined everything. That he was looking at other women thinking that they were beautiful. My problems with that is I already know I ruined everything. I thought he had chosen to forgive that. He never calls me beautiful. normally lovely or nice if i make a fucking extra special effort. A few days later a beautiful woman came into work and started asking about the guy I was sat with after work. (erm, you mean my fucking husband) It ripped me apart.
I feel like I can’t breathe. Like I am slowly losing my mind and my health has gone down the shitter; unfortunately not literally. I can’t eat I can’t sleep I can’t shit. I’m vomiting any liquids I thought I wanted. I feel like im having a panic attack every time i think . Honestly I want to die. I just don’t have the balls to do it myself.
No one seems to take me seriously. Like I’m not allowed to have problems. Like because I caused shit for one fucking tiny period of my life now i am destined to be unhappy and lonely forever.
I don’t know what to do. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO.
I keep cutting myself to feel some kind of certainty and control. I feel i deserve the pain but its not enough.
The drugs dont work. They dont even put my thoughts at ease temporarily.
Am I insane?