Today I am the exact opposite of centered. I feel like shit. I woke up okay. Then life hit. Do you ever have days so unexplainabley bad that you think you are genuinely going insane? I feel like that today.
Nothing was different. No new bad luck had been put upon me. I just couldn’t cope. I thought about how much I hate myself, my life, people and how much I felt like I just cannot do anything right; I felt overwhelmed. I thought about death all day. How fricken morbid is that?! I wanted to get baked and hide but I had jobs to apply for and a distinct lack of green. My emotions settled down, I stopped crying .My mind is still buzzing though. Negativity going round and round . Old memories, feelings and pain swallowing up my soul. AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!
I wish I wasn’t so fat so I could go for a run to get all my energy out. Ha. Stupid girl. Do you ever just pause to consider your life and realise that you have absolutely no center? I mean, what have I achieved? Homewrecker status? Unemployed? Shortest fat girl in my street? I’m a mess.
Music normally centers me but lately I can’t listen to music without it drawing on negative depressing as saggy balls thoughts. People might say it is all in my head. That given the general circumstances of my entire life I’m not doing too badly. The problem is , they don’t know shit. I’m falling apart inside. What good are words from strangers if you can’t feel at peace with yourself?
I think I understand why my brother hung himself. Life is not all it’s cracked up to be. I mean people disappoint you in ways they can’t help. Things can be ripped away from you in seconds and you can spend all your life worrying and hating yourself. What kind of life is that? I need something to improve soon or I might entirely lose sight of all purpose.