Making friends with cement.

What? Song lyrics again.  Sorry, not sorry. Front porch step are legends with words. This song is the best song to listen to on a day like today. I’m angry, I’m fed up and I just cannot be with myself. Do you ever get that?

I know I have made a lot of mistakes, I’m trying to move on but it’s so difficult. I love to sleep because I pretend that I’m dead, but I hate waking up because it’s hard to forget, that I’ve lost all control of this life that I’ve held so dear. I sleep so much and I am always till tired. My head drives me to the very brink of insanity. Emotions spilling out of me uncontrollably. I desperately need a way out of this madness.

I wait for the bus but I’m not on the bench, I’m just spread across the ground making friends with cement hoping that the bus won’t miss me when it comes my way. I would never kill myself, I’m almost certain. After my brother and how most of my family have used attempted suicide as a cry for help before. It’s not really a way out. I want a holiday from myself. That’s all. I wish things could be different. I know my OH isn’t happy in his life. Man, that just tears me up inside. I caused most of that hurt. I was the bitch who ruined his life. Yet he is trying so hard to live with me. I don’t know how he does it when I can’t even live with myself.

Well I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself and I don’t make a sound but my eyes scream out help. I start to struggle to hold myself back, from thrusting my head straight through the fucking glass. I still hate myself. I can barely look in the mirror but this is definitely how I feel when I do. It’s a beautiful day outside. Sometimes that cheers me up. Recently though I can barely force a smile.

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