I’m my own worst enemy.

If you haven’t already grab yourself a pair of speakers and listen to Less Than Jake– Science of selling yourself short. That is an order.

Okay done? Well now your life is slightly more enriched, let’s get down to business. What the hell is wrong with me?? This song speaks to me because I am so negative towards myself and I honestly struggle to believe everyone else doesn’t feel the same. I spend hours of each day obsessing about stupid pathetic things. My mind is like some elaborate death maze.

What things do you worry about? We all worry it is only natural. On a personal level, do you worry about your appearance? Your personality? Your status in a workplace? Some worry is healthy. The way I worry is not healthy. I found an old exercise book from my homeschooling days (whole other therapy blog needed for that) full of things I hate about myself. I had started at my hair and worked down my body hating things, then moved on to my personality and life! A brief excerpt:

I hate my calves, they are too wide.

I hate my legs , they are too short.

I hate my feet, they arch too high.

I hate my toenails, they always bruise.

I hate my laugh, it’s too sudden.

I hate my voice, it’s too deep.

I hate my accent, it’s too northern.

Firstly, why did 14-year-old me blame my own toenails for bruising? Surely I should stop walking into things? Secondly, it’s really depressing that as I sat reading it out I just agreed with it all. No progression made in 9 years at all. Waste of oxygen.

“I’ve come to my senses,
That I’ve become senseless,
I could give you lessons on how to ruin your friendships,
Every last conviction, I smoked them all away,
I drank my frustrations down the drain, out of the way,
So I sit and wait and wonder,
“Does anyone else feel like me?”
Someone so tired of their routines and disappearing self-esteems”

I’m really trying to improve my appearance and my self-confidence but it is a slow process. Not being able to leave the house because of how I look is ridiculous. How can I try to build a life if I don’t leave the house? I can’t. So once I’ve found a few things I am going to make a things I like about my life /me page. Apparently positive reinforcement is the best method to retrain your brain.

As always please contact me using the form on the contact page or comment a link to your blog and I’ll check it out.

Freckles.

 

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