Things I wish I’d said.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he will never expect it back.” Oscar Wilde

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” Dave Barry

 “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” Emo Phillips

Okay so maybe I have said one or two things in my life that were real clangers. Jokes that just dive bombed , statements that come out as insults and all the rest. Truth be told I’m difficult to read sometimes because I have this constant resting bitch face. However most of the time I have held my tongue politely and kept my thoughts inside which means that despite what people may think I have a lot of pent-up thoughts just rolling around in my fucking head every hour of every day.

 Not that I could put my finger on specifics now but I know that at least 85% of what I have wanted to say in life I haven’t. Do you hold in your thoughts? I think I have always been scared of upsetting people but the things is I’m not any more. People are rude and inconsiderate and I don’t like them very much. A desert island doesn’t sound too bad an idea. The worst are questions. People want answers then moan when it’s not something they like? Excuse me , No. Don’t ask for my opinion if you’re going to go off in a strop or give me the silent treatment.

Why do people do that? Just stop talking to you and walk off? Like I’m somehow beneath them.. er nope. Don’t belittle me. Don’t treat me like a child.

I have a lot of regrets thus far. Not too many major regrets but lots of little ones where my personality has taken a knock due to someone else. They take a piece of you that you are never getting back.

When my brother died he had wanted to come and live with me. I hadn’t wanted it. Me and the OH were newly married and we were always at work. Earning the bare minimum to support ourselves let alone another mouth. I spoke to him the night before on the phone and we talked I explained it wasn’t the right timing and we could check again in a few months. I wished I would have known. The conversation went on in a blase way, music animals school. Normal conversation topics. I never told him I loved him before I hung up.

I regret that.

Before I cheated on my OH we talked. For a while I had been trying so hard to deal with my mind and turns out I couldn’t. I wish I would have told him how I actually felt. No I don’t want to move to Ireland. I like my job. I need more attention off you. I need some feeling of love from someone.  I do not blame him one iota but I do feel like had I of said what I meant life would be a lot happier now.

My sister recently called me out. She said I only talk to her when I need something. That she had messaged me to talk about how she was feeling and I had upset her by asking why her health had degenerated so fast. Let me give you some background information… My sister has had mental health problems for a while. Even when we were younger I remember having to be mediator between her and my mother on numerous occasions when they argued. My sister tried to kill herself, I was there. My sister broke up with someone I was there. She left home in the middle of the night because of an argument, I went looking for her. I’m not saying I want praise. It was my duty I just want her to realise that until she stopped our association because I chose to take a different life path I was always there for her. I still am now. I have at least 7 or 8 messages asking how she is that went unanswered. I felt betrayed. Unappreciated. Her misunderstanding of my simple question made me doubt our whole relationship. If I couldn’t turn to her in times of need where else was I meant to go. On top of that it made me wonder if all my efforts go unnoticed. Was I really a nice person if even my sister thought this of me?

Things I wish I’d said; what I really thinking.

It’s my new vow to say what I think in a tactful way. If someone asks for my opinion they are going to get it. I am great at holding my tongue but I think that has made me weaker. I find sometimes I genuinely have no opinion. I’m too used to not needing one. So here I am, I’m not going to become some super bitch overnight I’m just trying to find out what I want as well.

Is there anything you wish you had said? Time run out before you could? Maybe like me you just don’t speak up. Let me know. I’d like to know I’m not the only one slowly going insane.

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