Everything happens for a reason.

So I’m told. Hope comes from strange places blah blah blah. Personally I have always thought that to be utter … nonsense, to put it politely. My recent self realization…thing however has begun to make me wonder if there isn’t just the teeensiest bit of truth in the happy clappy mumbo jumbo. Maybe some people like myself just have to climb through cow poop to find the pot of gold at the end of the tunnel… I’m no good with sayings… anyway, maybe.

I recently heard a saying by a woman called Anais nin whilst doing some research for a book I am trying to write.

“We do not see the world as it is but as we are.”

Honestly, it took me a while to fully understand the point. It’s linked to this Gestalt theory from the 20’s which says that everything we have experienced so far has altered our perspective. So we actively interpret what we see based on what we are expecting. Basically only I can change the situation I’m in. I have to change my thinking. Some of you might be sat there thinking ‘Well… D’uhhh,’ but it is much easier said than done.

I cheated on my husband. It is my biggest regret. I felt alone even when we together, even when we were making love. He felt distant. Looking back I can see how confusing it must have been for him finding out. I never talk openly and when I tried to I was too unclear. Do you ever get too emotional ? I do my head goes fuzzy. In my life I have one major issue, self-esteem. So when I’m not getting my recommended daily allowance of affection I start to become emotionally unstable.I will never try to excuse what i did, no one should cheat. I didn’t know what i wanted and it wasn’t until my life was turned upside down and I faced the reality of the situation that it suddenly dawned on me. I still wanted my Bubba, i just had to fight to keep him and communicate. See things differently. Build my self esteem. Have my own fucking viewpoint on things. Rather than biting at my OH’s ankles like a lap dog with no mind of its own. I need to focus on the here and now and avoid dwelling on the past.

I suffered. I learned. I changed.

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